Wedding Planner Q&A – Distant Relatives
Friday, November 6th, 2009
Posted in Planning Advice , Wedding Planner Q&A
In our weekly Wedding Planner Q&A we look at how to deal with common anxieties, questions and problems that often crop up when you’re planning a wedding. Today I’m offering advice on how to deal with distant relatives who expect to be invited to your big day.
I have lots of aunts, uncles and cousins but we don’t really keep in touch and I haven’t seen them for several years. However, since they heard I was getting married they’ve called to say how much they’re looking forward to the wedding. I don’t really want them there as I feel I barely know them – how can I tell them they’re not invited without causing a family rift?
You shouldn’t feel obliged to invite people to your wedding that you don’t want to be there, and obviously the more people you invite the greater your catering and venue costs. If your parents are paying for your reception explain to them that you would prefer to keep the guest list to close family and friends only. However, if they want to invite them you will probably have to go along with it seeing as they are footing the bill.
On the other hand, if you are paying for your wedding reception yourself then you have more control over who you want to share your day, and you shouldn’t feel you have to invite them. Don’t simply ignore them and not send an invitation without an explanation, as that’s bound to cause offence and resentment. Explain to them that your venue has limited numbers, so unfortunately you’re having to limit your guest list, or that you’re having a small celebration with immediate family only.
If you feel there is a significant risk of this causing a family rift then consider a compromise and invite them just to the evening. You can still have a more intimate wedding ceremony, but they will still feel part of your special day.
If you have a question you’d like to share, drop me an e-mail at with “ Wedding Planner Q&A ” as the title, and I’ll be sure to feature it here on the blog.
“However, if they want to invite them you will probably have to go along with it seeing as they are footing the bill.”
I strongly disagree with this statement. Nobody has the right to impose their will on you, whether they are footing the bill or not. If I decide to give a monetary gift I don’t tell them how to spend what I’ve given and I demand the same respect.
Personally, as a client I wouldn’t want a wedding planner to suggest I give in to somebody’s else wish, as it’s my wedding, not theirs. It’s ok to be nice in setting boundaries in order to avoid major rifts, but this suggestion is way overboard.
Rosanna / 11:22 pm on November 7th, 2009
Thanks for your comment Rosanna, you clearly feel very strongly about this issue. You’re quite right in that nobody should impose their will on you, especially when it’s your wedding. Unfortunately, though, there are times when people feel they should have some say in the matter, and this is particularly true if they are making significant monetary contributions towards the reception.
It’s not about giving in to other people’s demands, but rather finding a compromise that’s acceptable for all parties. Acknowledging parents’ wishes and finding an appropriate solution, such as inviting more distant relatives to the evening reception only, means that unpleasant, stressful arguments and long-term family rifts may be avoidable.
Helen / 2:53 pm on November 16th, 2009