Wedding Planner Q&A: Inviting Divorced Parents
Tuesday, January 12th, 2010
Posted in Planning Advice , Wedding Planner Q&A
In our weekly Wedding Planner Q&A we look at how to deal with common anxieties, questions and problems that often crop up when you’re planning a wedding. Today I’ve received a question from a bride who has the dilemma of whether or not to invite both of her divorced parents to her wedding.
I am getting married soon and I am unsure whether to invite my dad to my wedding. My parents are divorced and do not get on at all. I know when I speak to my mum about whether I should invite him or not she will tell me to do what I think is best, but I know deep down she does not want him there.
If I invite him I know my mum will probably end up arguing with me over it nearer the wedding date and accuse me of having no loyalty towards her. I can see that she will probably end up telling me she will not attend if my dad is going to be there. I know it would be wrong of her to put me in this position but this is exactly what I can see happening. I don’t want to upset my mum but I don’t want to exclude my dad from the most important day of my life either. I am not sure what to do for the best.
This is obviously a very difficult situation for you and I completely sympathise with your dilemma. You are right in saying that your Mum shouldn’t put you in this position, but weddings do tend to be a time when emotions are running high and tempers can become frayed. That said, this is your special day and you should be able to include your dad in the celebration of your marriage if you want.
As difficult as it is, try talking with your mum and explain your feelings to her. Explain that you understand how she feels about your dad attending your wedding, but that it is important to you that both of them are there to witness you get married. Whether you invite your dad isn’t really a question of your loyalty to your mum, but rather is about you wanting both of your parents to be a part of a milestone in your life. Explain to her that you don’t expect them to sit together or be in close contact on the day, but that you just want them both be there for you.
Of course you don’t want to be arguing with your mum, and you certainly don’t want any upsets on the day itself. If your mum has played the main role in your life since your parents’ divorce, then she may be feeling that your dad’s presence will detract from her role on the day in some way. If this is the case, she may be more agreeable if you explain to her that whilst you want dad to be there, he doesn’t have to play a major part in the day. For example, he doesn’t have to give you away at the ceremony or give a speech at the reception.
To avoid any arguments on the day I would avoid having a traditional top table so that your mum and dad aren’t forced together in an uncomfortable way. Consider having all round tables, as this will mean you can separate your parents whilst not making it obvious that your dad isn’t part of the main wedding party. For example, have your mum host the main ‘bridal’ table, and seat your dad separately with other family members.
I appreciate that this is a difficult decision and you don’t want to upset your mum, but you should really do what you feel is right for you. The last thing you want is to look back on your wedding day and regret that your dad wasn’t invited, and I’m sure your mum wouldn’t her feelings to spoil your day in any way.
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